Monday, March 31, 2014

The 2014 Ridiculous Basketball Player Names Bracket, Elite Eight

[Previously: First round, second round, sweet sixteen.]

Due to an administrative error whereby I accidentally set the Sweet Sixteen polls to run for a week longer than they were supposed to, the 2014 Ridiculous Basketball Player Names Tournament is still going on, having lost all its previous momentum. Nevertheless, we are down to the Elite Eight. Here are the matchups!

(Click here for full size version)

As always, these names are completely genuine. If you don't believe it, Google it.


(1) Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims v (3) Typhoon Dusk Nurse

Journeys so far:

(1) Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims

First round: Won 359-40 v (16) Indiana Faithfull
Second round: Won 125-39 v (8) God'sgift Achiuwa
Sweet Sixteen: Won 85-37 v (5) Solomon HorseChief

The Chief has not even flinched in his run to the Elite Eight thus far, not even batting an eyelid in the expected-classic Chief v HorseChief Sweet Sixteen matchup he ultimately won comfortably. This is a shame for Solomon HorseChief fans everywhere, including myself, and frankly I'm starting to wish I had fixed it.

(3) Typhoon Dusk Nurse

First round: Won 257-83 v (14) Drake U'u
Second round: Won 118-33 v (6) D'Awvalo Turnipseed
Sweet Sixteen: Won 77-39 v (7) Ruben Boumtje-Boumtje

Boumtje-Boumtje was something of a people's favourite, yet he was no match for TDN, one of three remaining non-US competitors.

Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims or Typhoon Dusk Nurse?

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Kings to sign Chris Johnson

Tomorrow, the Sacramento Kings will sign former LSU Celtics, Blazers, Hornets and Timberwolves big man Chris Johnson. It is not known at this time whether it will be for the remainder of the season, multiple seasons, or a 10 day deal.

Johnson has spent this season in China, averaging 20.0 points, 11.2 rebounds and 2.0 blocks in 29 games for Zhejiang Guangsha Lions. The 28 year old is known for his length, athleticism and shotblocking.

With a roster spot already open after the waiving of Jimmer Fredette, and with Orlando Johnson's 10 day contract having expired, Sacramento has only 14 players under contract and will not need to make a move to accommodate Johnson.

EDIT, THE FOLLOWING DAY - Johnson's signing was cancelled the following day for unknown reasons. The Kings signed Willie Reed instead.

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

The 2014 Ridiculous Basketball Player Names Bracket, Sweet Sixteen

The results are in from the second round, and so it's Sweet 16 time!

(Click here for full size version)


(1) Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims v (5) Solomon HorseChief:

Vote wisely. Vote HorseChief.

Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims or Solomon HorseChief?

(3) Typhoon Dusk Nurse v (7) Ruben Boumtje Boumtje:

Should Nurse lose points on account of his decision to mostly go by "Ty Nurse", instead of the full glory that is his name? And with that in mind, does Ruben earn points for embracing the double boom?

Typhoon Dusk Nurse or Ruben Boumtje Boumtje?

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

The 2014 Ridiculous Basketball Player Names Bracket, Second Round

The results are in from the first round, and there were upsets. It's almost like a proper bracket.

(Click here for full size version)

In accordance with prophecy, the number one seeds made it through unscathed, Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims and Steeve Ho You Fat putting up dominating performances in securing 85%+ of the votes in their matchups. However, the same can not be said of the #2 seeds, where a 2 v 15 upset went down. It was nearly two - in the Compounding The Problem Regional, the underseeded and underrated Staats Battle almost overcame B.J. Banjo, leading for much of the way before a late rally saw Banjo win in a captivating 50%/49% split of the vote (no word on where the missing percent went), while Galal Cancer comfortably handed it to fellow number #2 seed Patrick Willybiro, a name that Americans presumably do not see the funny side of due to transatlantic slang differences, in the What The Hell? Regional. If transatlantic humour divides lead to upsets, this might be a good thing.

With the exception of the Compounding The Problem Regional, where all top eight seeds made it through, there were upsets all throughout the bracket. There were four in the Brilliant First Name Choices Regional alone, not least of which was the comprehensive win of Semen Antonov over Jordair Jett, a man seeded as high as he was due only to the internet's insistence that his name was really, really great. Once again, then, it is proven that people love Semen. SirValiant Brown was similarly comprehensive in his 4 v 13 upset of the always overrated Deuce Bello, whose close association to a man called Bummy was rightly not overvalued by the voters. And in what to many was the choice tie of the first round, the immortal God Shammgod was beaten by a dogged and determined Scientific Mapp, who would have taken on the similarly upstart Battle were it not for the rousing late comeback by Banjo.

Some matchups oscillated quite significantly. For example, Qavotstaraj Waddell made a late charge on D'Awvalo Turnipseed's once unassailable lead and lost by only a mere handful of votes, while Cathy Cockrum - once down 70-30 in the vote - made a similarly late run and squeaked a tiny four-vote victory over the once dominant Brianne Boner. Between that battle, the aforementioned Battle/Banjo thriller, and the steady but compelling Fat Lever/Fabulous Flournoy matchup, three of the votes were decided by only five votes or less, which is pretty remarkable. Exree Hipp and Vonteego Cummings, meanwhile, shared a remarkably close vote for the first six days, often times separated by one or two votes only and at one point embroiled deeply in a tie, before a late surge for Vonteego, tallying about 50 extra votes in the final day, blew it open late. I hope somewhere a "Vote Vonteego" movement was created to make this happen. This would be a nice thing to have happen.

With the polls now closed, it's time for more polls. Here are some more polls.


(1) Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims v (8) God'sgift Achiuwa:

God'sgift started strong and ran well from inside position in his opening game, and has the religious vote on his side. Unfortunately for him, the Chief has the Indian vote, was dominant in the opening round, and has lived up to his preseason billing as a contender for the title. However, given the damage his presence is inflicting to the ability to fit the picture of this bracket on one page, I could do without him.

Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims or God'sgift Achiuwa?

Wednesday, March 05, 2014

The 2014 Ridiculous Basketball Player Names Bracket

[Voting is now over. Go to ROUND TWO.]

In compiling a scouting database, hopefully to be launched in June time, I have spent a lot of time rooting through rosters of basketball teams all around the globe. And while this website and the subsequent database are to be completely serious - this website is one man's CV, after all - I would be lying if I denied that all this trawling had uncovered some awesome player names along the way,

Funny names are funny, and the idea of bracketing a bunch of them is not new. The Name of the Year competition started back in 1983, before the author of this bracket was even a sperm, and that baton has been passed to new ownership, who last year awarded Leo Moses Spornstarr the 2013 winner of the world's ultimate accolade. Inspired by, and in homage to, this decades long legacy of doing God's work, there hereby follows the first definitely-not-going-to-be-annual Ridiculous Basketball Player Names Tournament Bracket, featuring basketball players of different sizes and calibre, of players both current and retired, male and female, and professional and amateur, from all around the globe.

(Click here for full size version)

As can be seen above, the bracket accords with the March Madness tournament bracket style, except arguably with less arbitrary divisions for the regionals. Things of note:

* No consideration is given to a player's current status. Some are long since retired, and some never even went pro. Yet it matters not - if you were a basketball player to an organised standard (e.g. college, its equivalents, and above), whose existence, career and name can be found, you count.

* All names are verifiably true via other internet resources, and links to such are given where necessary. In one instance, there exists only one reference to the person on the entire internet. But it will do. Play along.

* Names considered but which ultimately did not make the cut include Bak Bak, Courtney Van Beest, Duany Duany, Duke Crews, Dustin Dibble, Fab Melo, Four McGlynn, Isaac Butts, Jordan Noblitt, Marc and Myles Loving, Matt Haryasz, O.J. Mayo, Scooter Gillette, Tommy Gunn and Wanaah Bail.

* Seedings are somewhat arbitrary and open to much conjecture, as is unavoidable, but were created via consultation with others (who I supposed you could term a selection committee). Some of this consultation came with my girlfriend, who, if she had her own way, would anoint Ebenezer Noonoo as the winner without any need for a competition and have done with it. She laughed at that name for about four hours. Additionally, The Starter's Trey Kerby helped formulate the final selections, for he is the sole arbiter of comedy.

To the matchups!


(1) Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims v (16) Indiana Faithfull:

In what's expected to be a typically landslidey 1 v 16 matchup, former Alabama State centre Kickingstallionsims - currently playing professionally in Saudi Arabia - matches up against current Wofford backup shooting guard Faithfull. Faithfull might win some votes from Hoosier fans, yet the outstanding novelty value and unrelenting length of the Chief's fearsomely long name surely reigns supreme.

Grienntys Chief Kickingstallionsims or Indiana Faithfull?

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